Really living

Sometimes I think we get so used to just being alive that we forget that we're really living! Our heart and lungs are working! We only have one chance at this so we need to stop and think about what's going on around us. I feel like the more bad days I have, the more I appreciate the good days. That seems like a no brainer comment but it is so very real to me. I want to soak up every second saying, "Hey! I'm not crying right now! My heart feels calm, I have no anxiety, no contentious thoughts towards anyone." My toddler was in a silly mood today and my five year old entertained herself. My husband stared at me through literally all of dinner today, played the copycat game, then stopped.. never explaining himself when he was through. Those times you get to breathe in all the gratitude and  breathe out all the happiness. Feel the love, both in and out. The are really great days that I just have to soak up while I can.

On Levels of Connection

This is my safe space to write. To let thoughts flow without fear of judgement from anyone. Where is your place? So, my question today: What do you do in those moments that you feel disconnected? Those times where you attempt to reach out to those you know, to pour your heart, out only to get nothing in return. What do you think some reasons are for people masking how it really is in their life? To have this, life is great, the grass is greener here, I have it all together type attitude some carry around with them. But yet on the opposite side of that, you have those that seem to have it together, share with the world that they really don't, and people go crazy; soaking up all that individual has to say? Are they almost enjoying the fact that they were right about someone "so perfect?" Would we still listen to these women if they were poor or unfortunate looking or if we didn't know what they looked like at all? So how is it that one post can get 5,000 likes and 100 comments, thanking this person for opening up about their life? Doesn't that make you think that we all want to open up to someone but just don't? For the reasons we are still trying to figure out individually. I hope at least some of this makes sense. I believe we all have feelings we want to share that will relieve some of those feelings of loneliness. Your supposedly only suppose to offer out your soul at the same degree as someone else does. A new friend offers some personal information about themselves, you do the same. You take a chance and express a little more to them and they look uncomfortable or no longer offer additional thought provoking information back. Or they offer more in return and you connect on a deeper level then, "that was a crazy storm today, wasn't it?" I read that introverts hate small talk and do better one one one then in a group. Well that is me to a T and that may be why I write. Hoping that the one person who is reading this is the one I am able to connect with right now. "These words are my diary screaming out loud." So if you want to write and also scream out your diary, I would welcome those words with open arms. I started it. I'm the brave one right now. We could all take turns writing back and being brave. I will probably end up writing more about introvert qualities because personality types intrigue me. When I grew up I wanted to be a physiologist or an interior designer. :D

I see

See a gray hair and wrinkles
I see sparkle and laughter

See the bare skin and frizz
I see else wear time spent on gallop and play

See soggy and drab
I see puddles and rainbow soaked shine

See baggy and worn
I see pulled on and loved off by jewels that call her mama

See droop and dull
I see worry welled tears that gleam with affection

See same and tame
I see complexities created with meaning through moments

See just another mother
I see strength raising beings with divine destiny

Taste of Child Like Memories

It really is wonderful to be alive. It is wonderful because of the knowledge of the true church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It is wonderful because when you are trying to do what is right, the Lord will bless you. You can be blessed with thoughts of purpose and enthusiasm for a new day. You can be proactive, helpful and cheerful. You can feel the hand of the Lord guiding your daily efforts. There is so much to learn, so much to teach and so many to inspire. The little things that bring you daily joy can make your heart giggle; feeling light and happy. In combination with all these wonderful things, my thoughts today were directed towards my little girls. The simple joys of today were how fun it is to be able to have fun and be silly with these sweet spirits. As I have rainbow bracelets and shiny play rings on my fingers, slipping off as I try and make them lunch. I have butterfly wings on as I go out to check the mail. I have my pink feather boa get caught in the door as I bring laundry from downstairs. I have a red queen robe swishing behind me as I rush to the kitchen to get little one a drink of water. My lil K loves to play dress up, imagination, pretend. Instead of holding a horse toy, she would rather BE the horse. Lil S is right there behind her, fascinated by the excitement her big sister throws into her day to day games. They are precious and pure. They are innocent and care free. "Let them be little" comes to mind when I'm getting frustrated with all the things I think K should be helping me with. They only have those child characteristics for so long and then they will be gone. As I try and remember that, I let myself have a taste of child like memories and I go along with these sweet moments. I need to more fully soak in all the sunshine they still want to offer their mommy. Let them be little, but also let them help me remember what it was like to be little. And that is where daily simple joys can lie.

15 month old ball of static cling

This is a place where I can unload my thoughts and feelings with the hopes that I may get some comments along the road of those that feel similar, so we can all feel like were not the only ones going through the same things.
S was very needy today. 15 month old ball of static cling. Where ever I went, she needed to go. I know when she grabs on to one finger to walk along with me, then the other.. that it is going to be one of those days.

Kahleena was at preschool, I put on some music, let her roam through my craft box so I could get some clay creations accomplished. Living room, kitchen, back to living room, fussy fussy. I asked her if she was hungry and if she wanted a cracker, she nodded her head yes. I put her in her highchair, gave her food to her and started again, to work at the table. She very quickly realized what I was doing and suddenly refused to be hungry any longer.

I was one of those growl cries..I have not heard those very often at all. She was genuinely upset that my full and undivided attention was not on her. Have you ever really wanted to get something done with kids around.... doing the dishes, making a craft, cooking a meal... and so you give them something they normally don't get to play with because you know it will keep their attention... and then it takes longer to clean up that thing you gave them to play with then it did completing the thing you wanted to accomplish? And then you realize you could have just played with them and completed that thing after they had gone to bed or when daddy got home to save you from the craziness?

It really helps to write here. It helps because once you get your mind out on paper or screen. When the thoughts flow from your brain to your fingertips and just... out.... it puts things in perspective.

 I was so impatient with Shalae today. I was so consumed with what I was trying to finish up that I didn't read between the lines that she couldn't say..
"Mommy, this should be our time now that Kahleena is not here. I want you on my level, reading me a book or laughing with me.. This is the only way I can get your attention and if your not picking up the hint I'm putting down, I'm going to have to be more forceful in the only way I know how."
Oh how kids would put us in our place if they could reason like us. How many times have you thought that before? I think about it a lot and even if they don't get it does not give me the right to treat them any less respected than I would treat an adult. (Man this pep talk I am giving myself would have been helpful this morning!! Maybe it will seep into tomorrow..)

It also helps to write to you.. the person reading this... because if you don't follow this blog( or the program is being ridiculous and won't let you leave a comment on a blog that you want to leave a comment on so you get sick of re typing it to see if it will work this time that you just give up? That has happen to me several times) then I will not know if you are reading it or not. But just in case you are.. that is why I am writing in a "YOU" form instead of a "me" form. Because maybe YOU can relate to this post. And I don't know about you, but sometimes just knowing I am not the only one feeling a certain way, it some how makes things feel better.. not so hard. . maybe its a girl thing, I'm not sure but that is just the way I am.

Until the next thought bubble comes,

Flashbacks of daydreams

Of course, we are all different. What "sends shivers down me shins" may just get blank looks from you but my post today is about twinkle lights. Yep, white Christmas lights. Ours is the icicle lights wrapped with that dollar store silver wire stuff with lil stars on it that you decorate tables for parties with. It makes it extra shiny and extra magical. I love them because when I plug them in, things are alright. ( everything's ooookkkk;)  I have flashbacks of day dreams of when I was younger, what my kids would look like, what kind of house I would have. This is the life I wanted and this is the life I have. Twinkle lights in my girls' room reminds me of the sweetness I wanted, and got. When their laughing and twirling, smiling and playing. S always walks in after I've plugged the lights on and says. "Wooooww.. ", all mysterious like. My family doesn't know my excitement for them nor the fact that they are only aloud to be plugged in if we've had a good happy non contentious evening..when problems have been talked over, when communications have been calm. ( I only sing my most favorite primary songs on those nights too.) So, if you don't already have them, get them and they could be your cheer me up, mystical fairy tale, feel to a room too :D